Thursday Threesome:

Onesome: Angels-- as tree topppers? ...or spires? Stars? Bears? What do you like to use to set off that tree? We have an angel on our tree.

Twosome: we have-- heard you're getting something special this year! Do you have any idea what any of your Christmas presents are going to me? I don't want to celebrate Christmas. It's no good without the ones you love. The ones I love are either gone or don't care.

Threesome: ...heard-- the worst Christmas song ever this year? Which one is it for you? I mean that one that even if Aunt Martha is playing it on Christmas Eve puts you out on the porch! "Feliz Navidad" by white people.

Barring a miracle in my heart, I don't think I'll be posting all weekend. I really am depressed. I'm angry at God and angry at myself.

I have to be honest. I am still feeling lost. There is no telling when this will end. I did go speak to someone today about my feelings in my life. I told him I was getting sick of everyone telling me I'm a smart girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a sweet girl. Something good is out there for me. I need to get involved in something. I am sick of it all. I'm sick of the talk. I want some action now. My whole life, people tell me to just keep waiting, that something will happen. After a while, you just get tired of waiting. Right now, that's how I'm feeling.

I'm having a crisis of faith, is what you can say. Now, I'm not saying I don't believe in a God. He's there. I have plenty of proof in my heart. Saturday, in some way, is that proof. Yet, somehow, I feel like he's forgotten me. Today, I went to the gift shop of St. Joseph's Hospital. I bought a Saint Jude prayer card, a Saint Jude pin, and a rosary. I wish I knew where the medallion of Saint Jude my mother got my 3 years ago went. I could us it, too. I feel like I am a desperate case and lost cause at the moment. I hope God hasn't forgotten me. And I hope that all the talk that people have been giving me for years come true. I just wish it was soon.

My counselor says a good chunk of this bout of depression comes from missing my mother. And as a result of not having my mother around, I'm feeling lonely and lost. It's true. However, it's not the whole story. He knows the truth.

So, why the picture of Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn? Well, as a way to distract me, I have been watching some Cary Grant films. Thursday, I watched An Affair to Remember with Joey. That was his idea, not mine. He wanted me to watch a movie with an happy ending. I wanted to watch A Walk to Remember. That movie makes me bawl. I needed the crying at the time. He didn't want me to cry. He should have just let me. So, he said come to his house and watch either 2 movies special to him, An Affair to Remember or Casablanca. So, at the end, I still cried at the movie. It didn't really cheer me up. Movies and fairy tales are fine, but they aren't meant for me. I need to quit thinking they are.

Friday night, I TiVo'ed To Catch a Thief, also starring Cary Grant. I decided to watch it last night. The damn DVR didn't record all of it. In the beginning of the masquerade ball, the movie stopped. I didn't get to watch it all. I went to Best Buy to go purchase it on DVD, but they didn't have it. I ended up going to Lindsey's home and watched Superbad. I wished I had finished the Hitchcock film.

At the moment, I'm debating on watching one of my favorite films, Holiday. That where the photo is from. It's a sweet film, but I don't know if I should watch it. There's a happy ending; one that won't happen for me.

[♪ Listening to: "Say" - John Mayer]

Ft. McAllister Mockup
Uploaded by peachy92.

And this heart knows what it wants, but won't have it for a while. Dear Lord, just get me through this tough time. I know You work in mysterious ways.

Friday was a bad day for me. I wrote some in the notebook I got Thursday, as mentioned earlier. Well, my mood went all over the place the rest of the day. One moment I was happy and smiling; the next I was crying. I didn't eat most of the day, I tried watching It's a Wonderful Life, but after 30 minutes into the movie, I was bawling. Around 9 PM, my dad went to Wal-Mart and asked me to go along. Knowing I needed to get up and fight this depression, I went with him. I told him about my appetite. He bought me a microwave meal and made me eat. Also, he bought me a small little Hopeful Heart Care Bear as a reminder that things will get better.

Yesterday, I got up, dressed, and out to Ft. McAllister down in Richmond Hill. I had never been before, and it seemed to be a good place to take pictures. I need to get back into my photography hobby as a hobby and not as a school assignment. My photography is a friend. I was hoping to get there before the rain came down, but alas, it didn't happen. It rained as I tour the grounds outside. I had my umbrella with me, so the rain wasn't a bother. Plus, it was still warm in the Coastal Empire. I was there for a good 2 hours.

While I was there, I got a phone call from Joey. The boy (well, he's definitely not a boy, except at heart) has been trying to help me get out of this funk, when not busy with the rest of his life. There is nothing he can really do at the moment. Only time and God can get me out of it. He was going home to Fayetteville for the Christmas break. His mother and stepfather were to come get him, but his stepfather became ill. Joey was going to rent a car, but asked that I'd take him first. During our call on Friday, he had offered me the chance to come up and take me to Stone Mountain for a photography shoot. That wasn't going to work, since the days he wanted to go were the same as Christmas Eve and Christmas and what he wanted me to see was a Christmas thing. C'est la vie. So, knowing he needed a ride and remembering his offer from the day before, he asked if I would take him home. He, in turn, would take me to Stone Mountain.

I did it. Part of me thought it was stupid to go and it might not be good for me. The other part figured doing it was just what I needed. Both Joey and my father tell me I need to take chances. Well, stopping my life, which consisted of nothing but tears at the moment, to take a friend home was a chance for me in this funk. I finished my tour at Ft. McAllister, cleaned up my car, took a shower, and took Joey up north. Well, he did the driving and paid for the trip; I just provided the car. I told him later that night that I didn't know if my inner Scarlett O'Hara or my inner Melanie Wilkes prompted me to say yes. He had to stop and think about that one.

For a few hours, I was not down in the dumps. We almost got in a car accident before we could leave Savannah. Most of the trip saw rain. Due to traffic on Abercorn, we took White Bluff to try to get to I-16. Someone 2 cars in front of us stopped suddenly on White Bluff, in the rain. Both Joey and the car in front of us had to react quickly, Both cars had to swerve so no accident happened. Of the 3 near-accident scares we had on the trip, that was the scariest. I was thankful the driving arrangement we came to back in August was still on. I don't know what I would have done. Joey took his time on the trip. The weather was just horrible, but Georgia needed the rain.

By the time Joey, his dog, and I got to Fayetteville, it was too late to drive the near hour out to Stone Mountain. We dropped our stuff at his mother's home and to get a bite to eat. Joey witnessed for himself my lack of appetite at dinner. We stopped Walgreens to some stuff we each needed. While there, I found Coach of the Year on DVD. For those that don't know what movie, it's some old movie that has a 16-year-old Richard Marx in it. I have never seen it, so seeing it for $2 there made me get it. Maybe one day I'll be in the mood to watch it.

Once we finally got back to his mother's for the night, I quickly showed him my Ft. McAllister shots. While I was trying upload them to my computer, a picture of my mother showed up on Picasa. Joey had never seen a picture of my mother until last night. He has heard about her, knows I idolized her in a way, and knows that because of some of my mother's actions, I have a hard time with life. He knows I love her and that she loved me dearly, so he knows she wasn't a bad person; she was just human. I showed him all the pictures I had of my mother on the computer. That made me feel good for a few minutes. As he saw the photos, he remarked what parts of my face he could see came from my mother and what parts came from my father. He said I was a perfect blend of my parents. After getting the photos on the computer, I went to bed; he went to the couch to sleep. I was tired from the lack of sleeping I've done lately.

I woke up early this morning and left Fayetteville as soon as I could. Joey said I could have stayed an extra day, but I felt I needed to get home. Before I left, his mother and stepfather both thanked me for bringing their son home. They were both softspoken due to being ill, but I could tell they were thankful that I took time out of my life to help them and Joey. Joey's stepfather even said "God bless you" to me as my thank you. If anyone needed God's blessing this morning, it was him. As for God blessing me, I hope one day soon. His stepfather has no clue of the turmoil in my life.

I followed Joey in his vehicle up to a certain point and we went on our separate ways. He went to run an errand for the folks. I went home. I will say the trip did do some good for me. It gave me a chance to drive my manual transmission in some hilly terrain. The only hill I had to stop on and climb on was the drive way for his folks' home. I didn't do too well on it, gunning my engine, but I did get out of the driveway and onto the road. This was my first time in such terrain with that car. I think I did well driving home, by myself, from Fayetteville to Savannah.

Did yesterday cheer me up? No. One day is not going to get me out of my funk. However, the trip gave me a little confidence to driving my car, and I helped a family when I had no obligation to help them. It also gave me a few hours of escape.

[♪ Listening to: "I Love You" - Amy Grant]