I have been up since 4 AM. Depression is a fun thing. NOT! I woke up at 4 crying and being sad. So, I started writing in a notebook I picked up yesterday to start writing in. There are things I need to say that I cannot write in this blog. It didn't help that Joey called me as I wrote things down. I know he cares for me, but at the moment, I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. But, I got a few things written into it. Writing the stuff down will not solve my problems or end my pain, but it will, in time, work with the healing. As a result, this blog, for a while, won't be as personal as it has been.

So, being that I'm free, when I wasn't working on that notebook, I watched All My Children. I've got a LOT of catching up to do on that soap. It's a comfort thing. So, I go to the official site. And I see something that shocks me..Angie and Jesse are returning to All My Children!. What the hell? Jesse's been dead for years! How can he be coming back? What about that character Darnell Williams played on The City years ago that was involved with Angie when the show ended? Just how are they going to explain this all? And if Jesse's not dead, does this mean Dixie's not dead? Is Jenny not dead? I can remember watching Jenny died all those years ago. I was just a child when Jenny died!

I may be off and on for the rest of the year. At the moment, I am suffering grief and lost from several angles. I don't want get into details at the moment. Maybe in a few weeks, I'll have a job and have established a new life. So, if I seem I'm gone, I'm not. I just trying to get my life in order. I've been in this place before and got out of it. I know I will get out of it again. I know it's just going to take time.

That I am God's whipping horse. I won't get into details, other than I'm feeling really alone right now. I am grieving. If anyone has any words of encouragement, please pass them on to me. I could use them right now.

I sure do. That is if it hasn't already crashed around me, and I'm blind to it.

Monday night was a horrible night. I went to bed crying. Everything single emotion and thought going on in my head hit me all at once. I'm scared of what to do next. I'm sad that I have nothing to gun for at the moment. I'm afraid of being alone. I know that this Christmas season is going to be a lonely one for me. I hate when I get this way.

It carried over to yesterday, and in a big way. I'm not going into details, but I will admit I did something I never thought I had in me. At one point, Lindsey and I went to the mall in an attempt to cheer me up. I even got a makeover, too, but that didn't last too long. I cried the makeover away.

I feel somewhat better at the moment, but I still feel like my world is going to crash. I wish I could shake the feeling. Last night, I told my father I feel like God is taunting me and using me as a toy. Seems like every time my life is about to work out, it crashes down on me. I don't know if I'm blind or that naïve or what.

Today, I ended up going to the gym. I have my final class at 4:30. Exciting.

[♪ Listening to: "I Hope You Dance" - Lee Ann Womack]

Posted on Fark today was a Video Edit challenge to do a video reviewing Fark in 2007. User Mr. Fuzzypaws did a lolcat video. It's just too cute. Gizmo is in the video. He's the drunk cat with some Jack Daniels. The caption was mine, but the photo idea was all my dad's idea. Back when I took the photo, Gizmo was just lying around. My father suggested the addition of the Jack Daniels bottle for a joke, since to my dad, Gizmo looked drunk.

And with more video goodness, my school has posted my graduation session. I finally had a chance to see how dorky I looked.

I feel stupid at the moment. When I got home, I forgot to put my car's parking brake on. As I'm about to head out to the back yard to see my dad, I see my car moving out of the corner of my eye, rolling down the small incline that makes up my carport and driveway. I dropped my bookbag and ran after it. It wasn't too big of a chase; the car only moved about 50 feet in total. The car finally stopped in the street we live of off. Thankfully at dark the street is nearly dead, so no one drove into my car, or my car hit it. Once it stopped, I got in it car and parked it back into the carport. It's something I can laugh at, but at the same time, something that made me cry. It was like this little movie I witnessed before my eyes represented my life at the moment. I feel like my life is out of control.

Today wasn't too bad of a day. I picked up Joey and we went to lunch. We happened to lunch at the same place Lindsey was dining with her husband and in-laws. We didn't eat with them, but I met Chris's parents. It was funny that of all the places we could have eaten, we all decided on B&D Burgers. After lunch, we headed to school. I sat around working on my Digital Photography assignment for Wednesday. Joey and some of the other guys studied for the exam they had tonight. When I wasn't busy working on my stuff, I helped them with their material.

[♪ Listening to: "Beautiful Disaster" - Kelly Clarkson]

I elfed myself. I'd embed it if I could.

And didn't do much today. Just finished Guys and Dolls and installed Joey's new stick of RAM into his desktop. He could have done it himself, I think. He knew how to open his computer, but I'm still not sure if he knew where to place it. He probably could have figured it out on his own, but asked me to do it to give me a reason to get out of the house today.

After leaving his house, I had a minor cry at Lake Mayer followed by a car ride out to Berwick Blvd. to look at the subdivisions on that road. I also saw Christmas lights.

[♪ Listening to: "Stay the Night" - Chicago]