Daddy, Gizmo, and Momma
Uploaded by peachy92.

I had a really rough day, emotionally, today. I was fine when I woke up. I was fine when I picked up Joey. In fact, I was laughing at the scene I just saw unfold in front of me before he got into the car. But later in the day, Joey said an innocent comment, and that did bring me down. I was able to deal with that, but then it snowballed.

We went to lunch at Cracker Barrel. On the way there, he was asking me why I was quiet. I told him I was scared. He started talking to me about seeing about getting a job at the college once I graduate. I was feeling like I'm not going to be able to get a job anywhere. I lost it at Cracker Barrel. They have it all decked out for Christmas. They also had a box for Toys for Tots and a Salvation Army Angel Tree. It got me thinking about my mother. She would do the angel tree thing when we could afford it. I wish I could have been able to do it. Between the mix of emotion over the comment at school, the conversation in the car, and the constant reminders of my mother at the restaurant, I lost it. I started crying. Joey kept trying to get me to see things in another light, and at one point called Counseling Services at school to see if I could be squeezed in today just to talk. I fought him a bit. I wasn't in the mood to hear it all. I wasn't in the mood to try. I was depressed and being very stubborn.

After lunch, I bought some Christmas ornaments at Cracker Barrel. I thought by buying them, I would feel closer to my mother. I had gone outside to wait for Joey. He pulled me back in to show me this book about remembering when. These books are a series of books that are a small synopsis of each year. He was showing me the prices of things in the year he was born in. I pulled out the book on the year I was born in. At first, it was cute comparing things. Then, we got to the music page. I glanced at the songs listed. One of the songs listed was Anne Murray's "You Needed Me." That put me over the top. For those that don't know the back story of that song, my mother played on the piano a lot when I was a child. I was 4-years-old, and she would have to stop playing that song and have to hold me because that song brought me to tears. Not just small tears, but gasping-for-air-because-I'm-crying so-hard tears. I told Joey I had to leave and that I wasn't in the mood to do anything for the rest of the day. He told me to go home and just talk to my mother.

I have trouble with that. I try to speak to her, but I freeze. I tried again this afternoon, but couldn't do it. Joey called me around 4 to see if I did it. I told him I tried, but I started to feel better when I crawled in bed and just curled up in a thick blanket. I felt closer to my mother that way. He told me I need to try some more. I went back to bed. After I finally woke up, I watched part of Deal or No Deal with my dad. During the show, I took a shower. And I just started to cry. The missing my mother hit me again. My dad heard me cry. Seems while I was in the shower, Joey called, again, to see if I was able to talk to my mother some more. I told my dad my problem, and I just cried. He didn't want to leave me alone, but he was getting tired. I needed to call Joey back to let him know I was sort of all right. And after calling Joey back, I started crying. We were continuing the conversation from Cracker Barrel. He talked me into getting off the phone and talk to my mother. And I sort of did. I picked up her urn and just held it and cried.

And as I held that urn, I remembered this DVD that I have. Back in 2004, my parents when to El Paso, TX, so my mother could meet some of her Internet friends. Someone there recorded the group meeting and made this DVD. The DVD was passed around this group of friends, and someone sent me a copy of it. There are shots of my mother on this DVD, and at times, you can hear her speak. I never watched the whole DVD, but I knew I had it. I found the DVD and went out to where my dad was. I told him I wanted to see it. I needed to see my mother. I needed to listen to her. So, the 2 of us sat together and watched it. I got hear 2 things that meant the world to me. I got to hear her say my name. She was talking about me. I also got to see and hear her play the piano. It wasn't much, but I got to see it. It made my night. It may have done my father some good to watch the DVD, too.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to lose it and miss her. And this week is going to be the hardest one for me. It's going to be a hard week for my entire family. The 5^th will be the two-year anniversary of her death. The 7th will my 29^th birthday. The 8^th is my graduation. She should be here for my graduation. And I am sad and pissed that she won't be here to witness it. And it all came to a head today.

I love you, Momma.

[♪ Listening to: "She's All I Ever Had" - Ricky Martin]

I'm alive. I've been busy the past couple of days with end-of-semester projects, as well as assisting Joey with one of his major projects. It's not that I do his project for him, but I'm someone he can talk to, get feedback from, and understand what he's talking about. Last night, I was joking that the professor has got to realize by now that I have helped several of his students get through his classes in over my 3+ years in the IT program.

Thursday Threesome:

Onesome: Therapeutic-- household addons: Do you use candles or aroma therapy or bath soaps or salts around your place? Not really. Since my mother died, we've been slow to buy the candles she used. She loved the Gold Canyon sugar cookie candle. Boy, did it smell good.

Twosome: Moisturizing?-- How's the weather been? It's the rainy season in the US; what's happening where you live? Unusually hot for this time of year. Even when it's cold, we don't have to bundle up too much.

Threesome: Lotion-- Since it's Winter in the Northern Hemisphere, it's dry skin time (yes, you too, Mark!). Do you have any hand lotion suggestions for the gang? Not really. I'm not too particular about a lotion. I just use what I can find.

Determination
Uploaded by peachy92.

As I start this entry, I am in the IT lounge waiting for Joey to get out of class. He has my car keys. So, I can't leave until he's out of class. So, I'm sitting next door.

My body hurts, and I have no clue as to why it hurts. It's really my right side. It feels like I strained it. My mother would tell me to eat a banana. Well, I don't eat bananas, so I'll have to find another way to get some potassium.

Today was the big day for Senior Project. I had my presentation. I was nervous. I tried not to be, but this was the be-all-end-all project presentation. I know why I was nervous. It dealt with my computer. I used my Linux box for the project. I had to present my project using it, so I can show the actual PHP-based database management system I created. Well, I had to fly blind. Either I could have something display on the laptop's screen or display on the project, but not both. I guess it bugged me more than I thought it should. A few times, I was interrupted by a few classmates straggling into class, so instead of letting the interruptions bug me, I made cracks and comments to lighten my mood. Joey told me after class when we were at the mall that he could tell I was nervous. Another thing was I was in uncomfortable shoes. I had hose and a skirt on. I was not myself. But sometimes, you have to do that to make a professional presentation. I may have felt better if I had the flat shoes on. That's another story.

I got a few complements from some of the first semester students after class. They liked what they saw and saw I did a lot of work on the project. Heck, I was nearly here on campus all summer long working on it. I had one group ask if they could see it more in depth later. Dr. Lau spoke up after my presentation to give a few points to the class about problems I encountered as I did the Thankful Missionary Baptist web site. One problem I totally forgot I had was finding out the name of the font used in the logo. Dr. Lau remembered and explained what problem I had with it.

I just know when class was over, I couldn't get to my car fast enough to get the pair of jeans I had in it. I feel much better with the jeans on.

Just prior to my presentation, I had Wesley Foundation. I left early because of my Senior Project. However, I did get a copy of The Old Turtle and a red cord for graduation. My copy of the book is gold. I finally got my copy! I can't believe I graduate in less than 2 weeks. I wish I could have stayed for the whole lunch, but my friends understood why I left. And had I delayed leaving anymore than I did, Joey would have come in and gotten me. He was waiting outside the door for me. He wanted to go home and shower. I told him he could take my car if he had to this afternoon at lunch time. Why he didn't, I don't know.

Man, do I hurt!

And today's little picture is one you just have to see in big form. This is the small form. It's a motivational poster I made in Digital Photography class this evening. The kitty featured is Harri. I just thought the word and the phrase I developed was perfect. I uploaded a few more on my Flickr account.

Tomorrow, all I have to do is get through E-Commerce class. Once I finish that class tomorrow, I am home free for the rest of the semester. I just have a digital photography assignment and some Meteorology classes and assignments to do. I'm not sweating them. I'm going to have the big stuff done.