I think Cupid really is visiting my dreams. Won't give me a clue as to who I should be meeting soon. But still visiting.

I had a dream this morning that I was back at my junior high school. I had a laptop computer and I was actually in high school. We were watching a movie and interacting with classmates. And the person I got? Logan. And get this - he actually liked me and wanted me.

I sure wish I knew how to explain it.

Some of my friends know who Logan is. I may have mentioned his name before on my site but never explained who he was.

Logan was a guy I had a crush on during high school. He was in my history class in 10^th grade. One day, I don't know why, I just noticed how cute he was. He may not have been the most attractive guy to other people but to me, he was cute. It didn't hurt he was smart, too.

For the rest of that school year, when our class would get into discussions, if he were in it, I'd try to be in it. At the end of the year, I got him to sign my yearbook. I can still recite it by heart.

He signed it “History’d be a lot cooler if you’d let get some bonus points.” The joke on it was that when it came to the history review before a test, Mr. Butler would ask questions. If you were the first one to raise your hand, he'd call on you. If you were correct, you'd earn a bonus point for your test. I was one of the quickest in the class and would usually earn many points. Poor Logan never stood a chance against me.

In 11^th grade, I wasn't in a class with Logan. We did have the same lunch period. but I was shy and awkward.

The summer 1996, I was hoping that maybe I'd be in a class with him. In 12^th grade, I was in AP European History and Calculus 1. Odds were, he was taking those classes. So when the first day of school started and I saw him walk into the classroom the same time I took those classes, my heart started fluttering. Later that year when he was moved to sit next to me in math for talking a lot, I was very happy.

But in March of my senior year, I couldn't handle school anymore. Maybe my crush on him was talking a toll on me mental health. I also had other problems, like the lack of self-esteem. I left school, even if meant I might never see Logan again.

He's the guy I nearly pulled a "Felicity" on. I found out in 11^th grade he was going to Georgia Tech. I decided I would go, too. I applied and everything. I was accepted to it. But at the last minute, I decided not to go. My mental health still wasn't in the best shape. I didn't want to leave Pumpkin. He was 13 years old and I wasn't sure if I'd ever see him again. In my heart, Pumpkin meant more to me than Logan. Logan was a crush. Pumpkin was my best friend.

The funny thing about applying to Georgia Tech: I had to skills to make it there. I was well into computers and technology well before I met Logan. I didn't need to follow Logan to handle Georgia Tech.

But college, well, I couldn't handle college. I went to Armstrong here. When it came to abstract computer programming, I sucked. That's not to say I suck at all programming. I just need a concrete plan and I can think abstract to make a concrete thought.

But in retrospect, I think the path I've followed in the past 5 years has made me a better person. So Logan may not have been the one. I really don't know who is the one. I went to college. I realized I love to learn but I don't like or really need all the pressure that school gives me. I have a great job and I'm getting the mental and physical health care I need.

I'm happy. Really, I'm happy. Except for not having a significant other in my life, I'm happy. And I know one day; I'll have the right person.

As for Logan, well, back in November, I emailed him for a program he wrote back in high school. I tracked down his e-mail address off many Google searches. I needed the program to share with my brother that's now in higher math. Logan never did answer me. And the last I know of him is that he left Georgia Tech to go to the Silicon Valley to work on Slackware Linux.

God! Do you know how great it feels to get that off my chest? Now people that know me don't kid me about this, please. That means my family that has access to t

Posted by Shawn at February 16, 2002 12:52 PM in Dreams, General.