Today, I helped Joey run an errand during his lunch hour. I don't mind helping him, but today's just been a bad day for me. My current problem is a hormonal problem that has just farked up my emotions. He could sense it. He started the never ending cycle we have going on. I'm depressed. He tries to cheer me up and tells me I'm smart and I can do anything if I stop being afraid. I try to tell him it's not that easy for me. He continues to try to get me out of my funk. I turn the advice back onto him. I start having tears swell up at the corner of my eyes. I know he means well and he just wants the best for me, wants me to succeed where he may have failed in his past, but when we do this stuff, it hurts. There are parts of me and fears I have that I can't tell him nor anyone else that cares for me. I have a hard time verbalizing these feelings to myself.
After the errand run and lunch, he took me back to Armstrong. This week, they have some sort of non-denominational prayer tent. He went to it yesterday and felt it did him some good. He felt I needed the same. The minister that was handing it when we appeared just happens to be the roommate of one of our classmates. He told me about the ex-classmate. He just spoke to Joey at first. I waited until Joey left before I spoke. Sometimes, it's just easier to speak to a stranger about stuff than it is with friends and family. So, I told the minister my problems. I think it did me some good, but at the same time, I still feel I'm in the same spot. I am uncertain about the future and scared about it. I have no control over my feelings, except to hold them in. I have no control of my future. I have no control and that's scaring me. I am scared. And everyone says leave it to God's hands. God knows what He's doing and has a plan and purpose for everyone. Well, it's scary to know I don't know what it is. I just want a little control so I won't be so scared.
Since I left Armstrong this afternoon, I have been listing to "When You're Gone" non-stop. The song is about a self-desctructive person wondering about who's going to care for him when his current lover, that he feels deserves better than to be around him, leaves. Right now, I'm just identifying with it too much. I see myself as a self-destructing person. And after my friends leave me and my family can no longer be by my side, I just wonder who's going to love me. That seems to be my biggest fear.
[♪ Listening to: "When You're Gone" - Richard Marx]
Posted by Shawn at April 2, 2008 3:28 PM in Flickr Photos, General.
