"That taste bad!"
Uploaded by peachy92.

Last night, Nicki came to me and cried. Seems she watched a show about a person with a neurological disorder. The person in the show ended up dying. The scene Nicki broke down at was a follow up where the person's friend still had the deceased's phone number in his call phone. The friend called the number, only to get the operator to say the number was no longer in service. Nicki could relate to it by occasionally e-mailing my mother, knowing my mother won't answer the e-mail. I told Nicki I understand it quite to well.

I really think my depression all centers around my mother not being around. Life hurts. I knew I would get over the having my world collapse with the end of college, not having a job, and the prospect of not seeing the people from school anymore. I knew it would hurt. I just didn't know how much it hurt until it got here. And what really makes it all painful is that I don't have my mother around to talk to. I've been e-mailing friends about my problems and talked to others, but they don't understand how I really feel. Even if they claim the do. Now, I know my mother would be in the same boat as them, really unable of helping, but something about words coming from her and not them would do something for me. A mother's love is something you just can't replace. A mother's love is like a magic remedy. I feel I could use it right now in my life.

I posted this on my MySpace blog, but I don't think I posted it here. And if I did, I don't mind repeating it. My mother always had a belief. It's one that as an IT student, I know was impossible. She had a belief that the blank e-mails with no e-mail address and no message were not spam. She felt they were e-mails from the Great Beyond. In her case, they were from her mother. In the past 2 weeks, I got several blank e-mails. Everytime I saw them, I took them out of my spam box. I replied to one that simply told my mother I loved her, too. I like to think her belief is true. I didn't tell Nicki this.

And to top this all off, today would have been my parents 32^nd wedding anniversary. I know my father isn't going to be in his best mood today. I don't blame him. How do you get over losing the love of your life?

Yesterday, I forced myself to get up and dressed. I gassed up my car and drove, by myself , to Jacksonville to explore the Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens. I went there to focus on my photography hobby. I took plenty of pictures, which are up in a Flickr Set. I was sort of disappointed in the zoo. I would have thought it was better. The Australia section was pitiful. The koalas were sent back to San Diego. The wallabies looks sad. I did enjoy the Jaguars. This girl here was the funniest of them all. I love the expression on her face.

However, I was sad, too. It's depressing to see couples and families there. I just keep wondering when will that be me? When will I get to walk with my hand in another's hand? When can I go around with a young little girl and explain the world to her? I've always thought my first kid would be a little girl. I even have a named picked out. The only way I'll change that name is the spelling. My attempt to cheer up sort of backfired on me.

I don't mean to come across as depressed. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I wish I had the nerves in me to move on and become happy again. One day, they'll come. Until, I just have to grieve. And now to write in my notebook. I have things I need to get off my chest that I can't write here.

[♪ Listening to: "Nothing Left Behind Us" - Richard Marx]

Posted by Shawn at January 9, 2008 10:46 AM in Flickr Photos, General.