I have to be honest. I am still feeling lost. There is no telling when this will end. I did go speak to someone today about my feelings in my life. I told him I was getting sick of everyone telling me I'm a smart girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a sweet girl. Something good is out there for me. I need to get involved in something. I am sick of it all. I'm sick of the talk. I want some action now. My whole life, people tell me to just keep waiting, that something will happen. After a while, you just get tired of waiting. Right now, that's how I'm feeling.

I'm having a crisis of faith, is what you can say. Now, I'm not saying I don't believe in a God. He's there. I have plenty of proof in my heart. Saturday, in some way, is that proof. Yet, somehow, I feel like he's forgotten me. Today, I went to the gift shop of St. Joseph's Hospital. I bought a Saint Jude prayer card, a Saint Jude pin, and a rosary. I wish I knew where the medallion of Saint Jude my mother got my 3 years ago went. I could us it, too. I feel like I am a desperate case and lost cause at the moment. I hope God hasn't forgotten me. And I hope that all the talk that people have been giving me for years come true. I just wish it was soon.

My counselor says a good chunk of this bout of depression comes from missing my mother. And as a result of not having my mother around, I'm feeling lonely and lost. It's true. However, it's not the whole story. He knows the truth.

So, why the picture of Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn? Well, as a way to distract me, I have been watching some Cary Grant films. Thursday, I watched An Affair to Remember with Joey. That was his idea, not mine. He wanted me to watch a movie with an happy ending. I wanted to watch A Walk to Remember. That movie makes me bawl. I needed the crying at the time. He didn't want me to cry. He should have just let me. So, he said come to his house and watch either 2 movies special to him, An Affair to Remember or Casablanca. So, at the end, I still cried at the movie. It didn't really cheer me up. Movies and fairy tales are fine, but they aren't meant for me. I need to quit thinking they are.

Friday night, I TiVo'ed To Catch a Thief, also starring Cary Grant. I decided to watch it last night. The damn DVR didn't record all of it. In the beginning of the masquerade ball, the movie stopped. I didn't get to watch it all. I went to Best Buy to go purchase it on DVD, but they didn't have it. I ended up going to Lindsey's home and watched Superbad. I wished I had finished the Hitchcock film.

At the moment, I'm debating on watching one of my favorite films, Holiday. That where the photo is from. It's a sweet film, but I don't know if I should watch it. There's a happy ending; one that won't happen for me.

[♪ Listening to: "Say" - John Mayer]

Posted by Shawn at December 18, 2007 3:57 PM in General.