Daddy, Gizmo, and Momma
Uploaded by peachy92.

I had a really rough day, emotionally, today. I was fine when I woke up. I was fine when I picked up Joey. In fact, I was laughing at the scene I just saw unfold in front of me before he got into the car. But later in the day, Joey said an innocent comment, and that did bring me down. I was able to deal with that, but then it snowballed.

We went to lunch at Cracker Barrel. On the way there, he was asking me why I was quiet. I told him I was scared. He started talking to me about seeing about getting a job at the college once I graduate. I was feeling like I'm not going to be able to get a job anywhere. I lost it at Cracker Barrel. They have it all decked out for Christmas. They also had a box for Toys for Tots and a Salvation Army Angel Tree. It got me thinking about my mother. She would do the angel tree thing when we could afford it. I wish I could have been able to do it. Between the mix of emotion over the comment at school, the conversation in the car, and the constant reminders of my mother at the restaurant, I lost it. I started crying. Joey kept trying to get me to see things in another light, and at one point called Counseling Services at school to see if I could be squeezed in today just to talk. I fought him a bit. I wasn't in the mood to hear it all. I wasn't in the mood to try. I was depressed and being very stubborn.

After lunch, I bought some Christmas ornaments at Cracker Barrel. I thought by buying them, I would feel closer to my mother. I had gone outside to wait for Joey. He pulled me back in to show me this book about remembering when. These books are a series of books that are a small synopsis of each year. He was showing me the prices of things in the year he was born in. I pulled out the book on the year I was born in. At first, it was cute comparing things. Then, we got to the music page. I glanced at the songs listed. One of the songs listed was Anne Murray's "You Needed Me." That put me over the top. For those that don't know the back story of that song, my mother played on the piano a lot when I was a child. I was 4-years-old, and she would have to stop playing that song and have to hold me because that song brought me to tears. Not just small tears, but gasping-for-air-because-I'm-crying so-hard tears. I told Joey I had to leave and that I wasn't in the mood to do anything for the rest of the day. He told me to go home and just talk to my mother.

I have trouble with that. I try to speak to her, but I freeze. I tried again this afternoon, but couldn't do it. Joey called me around 4 to see if I did it. I told him I tried, but I started to feel better when I crawled in bed and just curled up in a thick blanket. I felt closer to my mother that way. He told me I need to try some more. I went back to bed. After I finally woke up, I watched part of Deal or No Deal with my dad. During the show, I took a shower. And I just started to cry. The missing my mother hit me again. My dad heard me cry. Seems while I was in the shower, Joey called, again, to see if I was able to talk to my mother some more. I told my dad my problem, and I just cried. He didn't want to leave me alone, but he was getting tired. I needed to call Joey back to let him know I was sort of all right. And after calling Joey back, I started crying. We were continuing the conversation from Cracker Barrel. He talked me into getting off the phone and talk to my mother. And I sort of did. I picked up her urn and just held it and cried.

And as I held that urn, I remembered this DVD that I have. Back in 2004, my parents when to El Paso, TX, so my mother could meet some of her Internet friends. Someone there recorded the group meeting and made this DVD. The DVD was passed around this group of friends, and someone sent me a copy of it. There are shots of my mother on this DVD, and at times, you can hear her speak. I never watched the whole DVD, but I knew I had it. I found the DVD and went out to where my dad was. I told him I wanted to see it. I needed to see my mother. I needed to listen to her. So, the 2 of us sat together and watched it. I got hear 2 things that meant the world to me. I got to hear her say my name. She was talking about me. I also got to see and hear her play the piano. It wasn't much, but I got to see it. It made my night. It may have done my father some good to watch the DVD, too.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to lose it and miss her. And this week is going to be the hardest one for me. It's going to be a hard week for my entire family. The 5^th will be the two-year anniversary of her death. The 7th will my 29^th birthday. The 8^th is my graduation. She should be here for my graduation. And I am sad and pissed that she won't be here to witness it. And it all came to a head today.

I love you, Momma.

[♪ Listening to: "She's All I Ever Had" - Ricky Martin]

Posted by Shawn at December 1, 2007 12:33 AM in Flickr Photos, General, Memories.