Thinking of a guy I knew 14 years ago. For those that don't know the story, there was this kid named Ryan I knew my last 6 months at Ft. Bragg. He was the son of my sisters' dance teacher. Ryan was 4 days older than me. The first time I met him was a summer day in 1993. I was with my mother as my sisters had to dance. I needed to get out of the house that night. I was super shy and a homebody at that age. And with my grandmother not being in the best of health, when my mother went off, I stayed behind. Well, this night, my mother decided to take me to give me a change of pace.

That night was fun. I had taken my Walkman, our Game Boy, and a few magazines to keep myself entertained that night. I didn't really know anyone in that world. Along with my sister, our neighbor Vanessa was a dancer. So, we all went to the home studio that night. While Beth was dancing, Nicki and Vanessa went out and socialized with Ryan and his sister, Melissa. I spoke to them briefly, before retreating to my own world. Well, Ryan, I take, would have none of that. He came back into the house and sat down next to me. Did I tell you he was as cute as could be? All the girls in the studio that were old enough to admire boys loved him. Well, Ryan gave me a piece of gum that had been given to him by Nicki. Nasty gum! Ryan laughed at my reaction for the gum. The rest of that night was spent spending time with him, his sister, my sister, and my neighbor as his mother and my mother talked. We talked about, joked around. At one point, my duffle bag of stuff disappeared. I'm freaking out because it had my Richard Marx tapes. Ryan came clean and said he hid it. He claimed he thought it was Nicki's bag. Nicki admitted he knew it was my bag and not hers. He had known her long enough to know it wasn't hers.

That night and the rest of the summer, and the one time I saw him in 1994 were special for me. He was the first guy that treated me like I was something special. He liked me for me. He liked flirting with me. He accepted me as the Richard Marx loving geek I was. We watched baseball and played video games. I know someone once said I was something for getting a coveted invite into his bedroom. He was upset I didn't come to the soccer game between our schools in 9^th grade. I would have gone to see him had I not been sick. In a way, we were equals. Sure, we were 14/15 at the time. We had the whole rest of our lives in front of us. Things weren't meant to be. But that summer, I was something. I was never his girlfriend, but I was something.

I know why I was thinking of him. It wasn't him per se. It was what he did for me and how I felt for him. He accepted me for me. He never tried to change me. And in the dream I had last night, there was Ryan was looking for me and wanting to catch up. It made me feel good to be loved for who I am. It wasn't Ryan I was thinking of. It was the relationship and how I felt around him that came to mind. I'm just tired of being single. I want a relationship where I am accepted for who I am. I want a relationship where we can watch and enjoy things together. I want a relationship where we can have a good time. I want someone to flirt with me and love me for who I am. And in my mind, it's friendship I had with Ryan that best represents what I want.

Who knew the best relationship I had would be the school girl crush I had in 9^th grade?

[♪ Listening to: "My Heart Can't Tell You No" - Rod Stewart]

Posted by Shawn at August 21, 2007 11:34 PM in Dreams, Memories.