ACM Fun
Uploaded by peachy92.

This morning, I was reading a discussion about For Better or For Worse. In the discussion, someone posted a Dilbert Sunday strip. It was fairly recent. I so related to it. In it, a girl asks one of the engineers about a date. The girl is smart and attractive. The engineer's response to the girl was that she a "perfect monster." He ran off. She says hi to Dilbert. He asks what's wrong with her. Implying something is wrong with her because she's attracted to his type. I laughed. And inside, I cried. I cried because I identify to it. One one side, I am the geek engineer who feels that no one will every be attracted to me. On the other side of the same coin, I'm the attractive female that's the perfect monster: beauty and brains. And no matter what, I'm afraid to be alone.

I'm also afraid to take a chance. I was talking to an old friend tonight, and she was telling me I should ask someone we were talking about to coffee. I can't do that. I am so shy and afraid to to that. I hate to fail and hear the words no. I feel like he's out of my league. I am so screwed up from being that geeky girl that no one really liked growing up. I fear no one will like me. The reasons are endless: I'm fat; I'm ugly; I'm not this; I'm not that. And if someone does, it's just someone I won't be attracted to. And after the fiasco that was Mike, I'm afraid to try again. I don't want to invest time in a person that won't invest time in me.

I don't know where this leaves me, other than I am alone. My dad says I have plenty of friends, but not really one that I can really depend on. I blame that on my military brat upbringing. You don't know who you can trust. I am afraid of trusting people. I rather wall myself up to not be hurt. And most of all, I miss my mom, my best friend. I miss the one person I could share these thoughts with. I feel like a crazy dork even posting these thoughts. Then again, I do believe by posting them, they'll help one other person out there that needs them, too.

In other news, I've been thinking about getting a Master's degree. The subject is still undecided. I have one of my IT professors wanting me to stay at Armstrong and get the CS degree. A CS Master's student I know, who's about to graduate, suggested business in his advice. Armstrong lacks business, but Savannah State has it. And there's always the standby of history with Georgia Tech's History and Sociology of Technology and Science degree. I don't think getting recommendations will be a problem. I already have one promised to me when I'm ready.

Mainly, I'm just scared as hell. I don't know what's ahead for me and I have no control.

In happier news, this picture is from this month's ACM meeting. We played a little game before our guest speaker spoke. This is a shot of me active. Proof I participate as well! I'm one of 3 females active in ACM.

[♪ Listening to: "I Go To Extremes" - Billy Joel]

Posted by Shawn at March 26, 2007 10:32 PM in Flickr Photos, General, Schooling.