I hate everything there is about my life. I hate the fact my life isn't what I want it to be. I hate that I can't have the things I really want. I hate being alone. I hate everyone bombarding me. I hate having the feelings I'm experiencing. I hate everything.
Scholarly, I know I have misdirected hate and anger in my life. However, my heart feels scorned. It's an internal battle that both sides are utimately losing. I'm tired of feeling guilty for the evil thoughts going on in my mind.
Last night, I cried while I showered. I cried after I showered. One of my fears is coming true. My mother is gone. My siblings really don't care for me. I know they have their own grieving issues, but it's like I'm only there to be ordered. Friends, both mine and my mothers, say they'll be there is if I need it, but they don't know everything in my life. I'm detached from them. All I have left is my father. Who will I have left after he's gone?
Today would have been my mother's 51st birthday.
Posted by Shawn at January 17, 2006 11:49 AM in General.
