Yes, the topic of this post is a very hard thing to write about. Why is it that we can blurt anything out to virtual strangers, but we can't say what we want to say to the people in our lives? I would feel uncomfortable and vulnerable if I spoke to the person this post is about face-to-face. Typing this out here instead of speaking about it removes some of the pain and embarrassment I might feel. Oh what the hell, I'm going to feel it anyway.
I just figured I post it here on my site since I have had this site for 4 years and it's my form of therapy. After, I do have a disclaimer that does state "Welcome to my personal site. Everything is written as I'm feeling it. If it's offensive, I'm sorry in advance. Blame all the therapy I've been to for expressing how I feel when I feel it. I'll probably just regret it all later. After all, I'm human. "
I thought I would just clarify a certain post I made back on September 30th In that post, I called my friend, Mike, my "pseudoboyfriend." At the time I wrote it, it was a joke. Yes, he did leave a comment about that term. He asked for clarification and I never got around to clarifying it other than a joke. I feel bad, now, because of this joke.
You see, the reason I never clarified it is because I do not feel like it's my place to clarify it. That doesn't make any sense. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's my place to declare anyone my boyfriend or not. I have always felt that way. I want a person to say something to me about it. I want someone to say they like me more than a friend. I don't want to say anything for fear my feelings would get hurt if I got rejected. I'm a very fragile person, if you haven't been able to tell by now.
And what makes this post so hard? Well, I don't want to lose a friendship over something so trivial as this. Does anyone understand that? I also don't want to hurt another person nor play a game of jealously. I wish I never made the joke at all.
Consider this a long apology.
Posted by Shawn at October 13, 2004 8:22 AM in General.
It makes perfect sense! I understand what you are saying. I'm proud of you for speaking up about it. Even if it is on here, it is still hard to do.
Posted by: Ash at October 13, 2004 8:35 AMI know exactly how you feel. I'm the same way, or was before I got married. But then I think about it and I realize that if I had never told Shawn I thought I was falling in love with him, I'd probably never have gone to Australia. At the same time though, waiting to hear from him if he felt the same way was probably one of the most painful months of my life because I was positive he didn't feel the same and that I had just lost my best friend. I guess what I want to say with this comment is, if you don't want to risk losing the friendship, don't. If you're supposed to be more, it'll happen. And if you aren't supposed to be more, you'll still have a really great friend and you'll meet someone else that you're supposed to be with.
Just thoughts.
-L.
Posted by: Laura at October 13, 2004 8:50 AMHey woman, isn't therapy grand? Can I let you in on a little secret? My hubby and I were friends for quite some time (years) before we actually admitted how we felt about each other and attempted the dating scene.
It took him a while to ask me out, even when we went for spurts away from each other... we both needed to be sure about the other one I guess.
I hope Mike was not offended by that post you made. And I hope he understands how you feel about the whole thing.
Hugzzz
Posted by: Tammtamm at October 13, 2004 9:40 AMHey, it's your right to define or not define your relationships. Anyone asking for "clarifications" are just being nosy. (I have a theory about how some people are overly concerned about their own status in our human social hierarchy--but I won't rant about that here.) I've observed "fuzzy" relationships before and it's just best not to pry. Relationships, like a lot of other things in this world, aren't black and white. If only more people understood that.
Posted by: sya at October 13, 2004 3:29 PMthank you everyone for your comments. 
Mike and I got things straightened out and it's all for the best. 
