And I'm depressed, so I went shopping. I bought a tennis racket and some sexy underwear I'm never going to be able to show off to anyone. I wish I knew exactly why I have been depressed all this weekend. I wish I could find the cause and stamp it out. If only it was that simple. It's not. It's the same thing that gets me when the weather turns cold. I wish I knew why it gets me.
What is it?
The prospect of being alone the rest of my life.
Oh, I fear it so much. I fear I'm never going to find that one special man that's going to love me for the rest of my life. I'm never going to experience love. Who would want to love me? I'm not that special. I don't have that dangerous side most guys seems to like. I'm just a plain, nice girl. I'm not exotic.
I want to be hugged like no one wants to let me go. I want to be kissed like I'm the only woman on the planet. I want to be the center of someone's world. I know I'm only 25, nearly 26, and that's not the end of the world. However, it is to me when I heard about people I know that have been married, are married, divorced, in love, having marital problems, and/or having children and knowing I have yet to experience any of it. I feel like I'm a failure.
I know, in a few days, I'll get over this and be the happy, bouncy Shawn most people know me as. I tell myself every time I get this way that God has a plan for me and it will be worth it in the end. I just have to express my insecurities to someone. I'll just stop this post with the lyrics for "Unknown" by Chely Wright. All I can do is hope and pray that this won't be me much longer.
Fire and rain is my favorite song[♪ Listening to: "Unknown" - Chely Wright]
I say a prayer at 11:11
I could watch old movies all night long
I'm not sure about hell but I know there's a heaven
Sometimes I feel so alone it scares me
I talk in my sleep but there's no one to hear me
Unknown
I don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to share
I need to know that someone cares
That I drink coffee black
That I sing when I drive
That I sleep with the TV on
More than anything
I don't want to be unknown
I love September when leaves turn gold
I get nervous in crowded places
Someday I want to see San Francisco
I'm bad with names, but remember faces
I need more than a kiss, more than a lover
I'm a world that's just waiting to be discovered
Unknown
I don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to share
I need to know that someone cares
That I write down my dreams
That I love when it rains
I burn candles when I'm alone
More than anything
I don't want to be unknown
More than anything
No one wants to be unknown
Posted by Shawn at October 10, 2004 7:01 PM in General.
You've got nothing to worry about. You're adorable and kind and wonderful and I just know you're going to find the right guy some day soon. Have patience and have faith in yourself!
Posted by: me at October 10, 2004 9:30 PMI'm sure everyone -- even those currently in relationships -- has had that "I'm not that special" feeling...girls AND guys. (they're not as invulnerable as they pretend to be)
Chin up, girl. With your head hanging low, you may not see and recognize something special when you run into it!
And keep in mind that you are going to meet a LOT of wolves in sheep's clothing before you find someone who's genuine. And by then, it may be even harder to trust but I've learned it's worth the chance.
Posted by: misbah kyrene at October 11, 2004 1:30 AMHey, Shawn - I know this doesn't help to say, but you really are still so young - I always regretted the steps I took at your age, wished I'd waited until I'd learned more about myself before I gave so much away. You're a special girl, and I know we've clashed in the past, but you really are someone to look up to, so don't mistake not having a guy for being alone... you'll NEVER be alone, so set your self confidence free. And sooner or later that very confidence is going to be the thing that attracts the right guy to you - don't abandon it.
Posted by: Terri at October 11, 2004 9:48 AMAmen to all of the above comments! {{{{{HUGS}}}}} You have accomplished so much and are so educated, beautiful & wonderful! You have all the time in the world to bump into Mr. Right.
Now and Forever,
Liz
Try looking at being single in a more positive way. It gives you the chance to learn. Not only in college, but also to learn about yourself. To learn what is special about you, what is good about you. Why do people turn to you? Why do people click with you. It doesn't mean that once you have found it out, hello a nice guy is coming along your way, but it may affect how you present yourself and how others perceive what is special about you.
And never ever ever believe you do not deserve to be loved full heartedly. You do, and any one who is not willing to love you with all his heart is not worth your time.
You are wonderful smart bright and caring person. You will never be alone. I agree with Terri and Liz! 
Take care girl and don't worry....
Sincerely,
~Denise~
Thank you everyone. I know you are right. It's not the end of the world if I'm still single at this moment. It's was just a moment of weakness and a everything in my life hitting me with a brick and having to debate about certain emotions. I'm feeling better.
