You know, it's a clip of the baseball game. The pitcher for the home team is pitching. He's having trouble with his command and gives up a few base hits before giving up a couple of gopher balls. The next thing he knows, the team is behind 6-0 in the first inning and his team has yet to bat. He grabs his glove and bites it and curses into it. He's clearly upset. Not so much at the opposing team scoring those runs but because he allowed them.

Where is my glove at the moment?

I did not have a good swimming class. I'm really frustrated at myself. I can't get the breast stroke whip kick going for me. I just can't get my feet into position. And every time I try to get it working correctly, I flub up another part of the stroke. It's a disaster. I just can't get it going. And I'm angry at myself.

I never have been great at athletics. When I was in elementary school, I was the skinny little kid that couldn't run. I was the skinny little kid that couldn't play sports well. I was the skinny little kid that was an automatic out. When I entered junior high school, I was the chubby kid that couldn't run, couldn't shoot a basket, and couldn't pass the Presidential Fitness Test to save her life. It wasn't like I didn't try. I did. I just wasn't meant to be the athlete.

I feel like a failure because I can't do well in sports. Now that I'm taking a swimming class, all those feeling are coming back. I feel inadequate because I can't do the whip kick well. I'll never be as good as the rest of the girls in the class. I hate that I'm jealous because it seems like to me the instructor oohs and ahs over one girl's breast stroke and can't wait to see it perfect. As for me? Well, she wants to place my feet in casts just to get my foot direction correct. I walked out of class depressed. Once I got into my car, I started crying , being mad at myself.

And just like that pitcher that ends up losing the game 8-2 because of his poor control, I know I'm going to have to let today slide off my back. Wednesday's a new start for me. I just hope I have it in me to get this kick correct. Or else, I'm going to feel like a failure, again.

I need to shower now. I usually do that right after getting home but I had to get this off my chest.

[♪ Listening to: "Breathing" - Lifehouse]

Posted by Shawn at June 28, 2004 12:51 PM in General, Schooling.