This is going to be a long entry. I just need to let my emotions outs.

Today, I went to the first part of my dental cleaning. I did a lot of thinking while there.

Last night, I was in a bad mood. I must be PMSing. I knew it was only a matter of time before I felt myself at the low end of the Depression Bell Curve. Lately, I've been good about fighting off the bad moods. So far, 2003 has really been a positive year for me.

Yet last night, I was crying for a bit before I fell asleep. I was crying over the typical stuff. Lack of a life. Sometimes, I have a hard time seeing the positives sides of life. I know I'm lucky to have two great parents that love me and will move the world to make me happy. That should be the only thing that really matters.

Yet, I find myself never thinking about that. I find myself crying because I find my life to be lonely. Sure I have many friends online but when it comes to offline, my life is pathetic. The only time I do anything is with my sister and her friend Christina. I don't really have any friends in town that are soley my own friends. Some days, I want to get away from this house and have some fun with other people. But damn it, I'm too shy to even attempt to go out at nights.

Not only did that bring me down, curse me for having "Unknown" pop into my head last night. This as where the tears kicked in. I started thinking about if I'm ever going to feel unknown. Right now, thankfully, I do have my parents. And I know I'm known whenever they and my mother's friends see rabbits and think of me. I know I'm known when my sister walks into a store with Hello Kitty, sees a My Melody item, and goes out of her way to get that one item for me.

But what about when they are gone from my life? I don't want to think about that now and I try so hard not to. Yet, I know one day it's going to happen. I don't want to be the crabby Old Maid who has no one to care for her in her old age and dies with no one caring for her. I don't want to feel as Herbie Wirth did at some point in his life. I don't want to be alone.

I know when I get this way, that's all that takes over my life. I'm trying really hard not to be such a depressed and crabby person that I feel myself coming across as at times. I know I can be such a negative, pesimistive person. I want be the happy kid I was once before.

The Shawn that always though good of the world. The Shawn that would smile. Of course, my mother said I was born 20-years-old so I wasn't the typical happy-go-lucky child. But when I was younger, I had such pleasure in simple things. I enjoyed playing in our backyard. Did it matter then if I had someone to hang out with? Well, it was nice to play with friends, but, I didn't need a friend to have fun.

Dang, playing in the dirt with a spoon in kindergarten was such a simple pleasure. Of course, that was after Spoon Wars in that class and my mother giving me a spoon to stop my fussing over the school not having enough spoons to play with.

I just want to be a happy person that is able to enjoy her life. Not this wack-job PMSy, depressed thing that snipes about anything and everything when she can that I have become over the years.

Must kept this in mind since I got in a foward. "The most worthless emotion…Self-pity" Ok, so enough from the pity-potty this month.

While at the appointment today, I was thinking about some of my positive changes. When I was a child, I hated the dentist with a passion. There was this wicked woman (ok, so maybe this is just from my childhood perspective but even my mother couldn't like this woman!) that handed the X-rays at Army Dental Clinic at Ft. Gordon. I hated the bite wings in my mouth. I would fight her. Sure, I'm sure she wanted to strangle me because of my attitude, but she was always so forceful with the bite wings. My mouth would hurt because of the force she used to put them in. Most of the time, I would not get X-rays because I fought that woman a lot and she couldn't handle me. She would curse me and then give up.

I'm sure being 4-years-old and going through that would give anyone the attitude

Posted by Shawn at January 28, 2003 11:43 AM in General.