Before I post this week's Thearch, let's just say I'm learned something about a query I had last week. I had never heard of "ugly ducking cars atlanta." I thought it was silly. However, I read that Arturo Moreno, the soon-to-be new owner of the Anaheim Angels, owns a part of the Ugly Duckling used car company. See, it never hurts to read.

Also, beside the Aaron Carter crazies and the people obessed with Mark DeRosa's butt, they're always the few searching about Barry Zito. Other then talking about Barry a few times, really, I know nothing about him I haven't read on a baseball related site.

These are true search queries.

"old hag porno" - "I know all there is to know about the crying game…"

"The device is offline (not powered on, no tape" - Tech support hours are 9 AM to 5 PM on the 6^th Tuesday of each month.

"Lasorda All-Star Fall" - Here you go! Hopefully.

"i hate being an idiot" - So do I.

"anaheim toy rally monkey" & "rally monkey marcel photos" - Try the Anaheim Angels web site to order one or another MLB merchandise site. My personal Rally Monkey toy is our Mooch the Monkey Beanie Baby. Also, you can get two Rally Monkey wallpapers at the Angel's web site.

"school girls fifteen hardcore" - Not here. More like go to hell you sick bastard!

"blog broke my arm" I have a blog and have broken my arm but the blog never broke my arm.

"www.richardmarx new song" - You can download the Richard Marx songs "Back To Me," "Something To Lost," and "Little Miss Heartbreak" at Richard's official site.

"orbit gum commercials" - I don't like them.

"kids write to soliders in Iraq" - Nice gesture. However, I can't help you.

"God Bless the USA download American Idol" - I like the song, however, I don't like American Idol.

"target walmart competition" & "which is better target or walmart" - If only in Savannah. I personally like Target, better.

"gay fans of aaron carter" - THINK & READ THE PREVIEW GOOGLE (OR ANY OTHER DAMN SEARCH ENGINE) GIVES YOU, DAMN IT! If that doesn't give you a clue, then I think you'll never get a clue! The thing about this query is, in the AOL search preview, it flat out stated "To the Aaron Carter fans, you will no longer find him at this site." I posted this comment the 16^th. The search occurs on 17^th. If I dropped my Aaron Carter page, what makes you think I'd know ANYTHING about his gay fans. This is the last Aaron Carter query I'll feature in The Thearch.

"my sandals fetish" - So, you were hoping I'd have anything to help you with this fetish?

"i love you shawn" - But I don't even know who you are!

"how do you dance the mash potato" - Don't know. I have two left feet.

"where can i down load songs for free to burn on a blank cd" - You can download the three Richard Marx songs I have listed above. Also, check out some of the music at MP3.com

"wesley crusher photos" - Don't have any. Don't want any. However, I think Wil Wheaton is hawking his mug on his site. Or he was the last time I went to his site. I haven't been there in forever.

"Laz Diaz nude" & "laz diaz biography" - Not at this site. Let me guess, since speaking on TV about being attacked, baseball has a few more female fans who are tuning in hoping Diaz is an umpire in that game. As for his biography, you can find one at the official Major League Baseball site.

"how to be the perfect girl" - Be yourself.

"Egyptian Postcards" - My father gave me some 10 years ago. I'm not parting with them.

"Royals Wallpapers" & "chicago white sox wallpaper" - The Royals' official site doesn't have any. The White Sox's official site has one. I have none.

"amazon survivor panties picture" - Pervy!

"where can i get a buddy icon for my favorite teams" - Try their official website.

"installing phone lines" & "installing cell phone towers"- Sorry, I don't know how.

"H.V. Jenkins High School" - My old high school.

"Nsync Celebrity Barbies" - I only have "Teresa" because she has "This I Promise You." Actually, I bought 2 "Teresa"s. One is a collector's item. The other I opened for the CD and gave the doll to Beth for her play dolls.

"pikachu paint shop pro tubes" - Only if you want tubes of my cat.

"rider jeans walmart" - I like them, yes.

"nicki from hooters" - There must be MANY, MANY, Nicki's at Hooters. However, I don't know a single one of them.

"how to write a melody" - I still wish I knew how to.

"gallbladder surgery celebrities" - Haven't heard of a celebrity that has had one.

"Shawn Simpson" & "Shawn Carter" - I'm a Shawn but not a Simpson nor a Carter.

"richard marx postcards" - I have a Flesh And Bone one and I'm keeping it.

"feeling like a failure with God" - When if we feel like a failure, we're not failures in God's eyes.

"moving to montreal neighborhood" - I've never been to Montréal.

"John Mayer no such thing correct Tab" & "what is the meaning of the song St. Patrick's Day by John Mayer" - Sorry, I can't play the guitar, so I can't help you there with the tabs. As for the song, I really don't know the meaning. I guess he's saying with all the obligations people have visting families from November to January, a relationship is finally back to normal by St. Patrick's Day. I usually skip this track.

"night owl cities" - Savannah isn't one.

"atlanta bread coupon orlando" - Sorry, coupons are not offered at my site.

"air quality in savannah" - If you are downtown or on I-516, basically near Garden City, the air stinks out there when International Paper is operating their mill.

"free psp tubes atlanta braves" - Sorry, I'm not that skilled in making PSP tubes.

"am i immature for my age" - Hey, I'm immature for my age. We all are at times.

"Is Fernando Vina Married" - Again, when did I become the expert on the love lives of baseball players? I don't know. Why don't you read his profile at the St. Louis Cardinals site?

"big fat rappers" - Sure, there are a few, but I'm not into rap so I can't tell them apart.

"flag under skin" - Wouldn't that be a tattoo?

"hotjobs.com promo song" - The one where they are all singing? That song would be "The Rainbow Connection" and it's from The Muppet Movie.

"essay My best friend because" - Ok, that's just lame if you are ripping me off for an essay to explain the qualities or your best friend. If I was your best friend and I found out, I would be insulted.

"over sensitive boyfriend" - I'm the last person you should turn to for love advice.

"Marcus Giles" - My favorite little Atlanta Braves player. You can tell he's having fun playing the game.

"marx disease" - Was my little joke, "Marx Disease" what you were looking for?

"Nobody's Angel and Youngstown" Met them both at the Strudelpalooza 2001 along with seeing them perform. BBMak was the other act in the event.

"taylor dane send me a lover" It's on her 1993 album, Soul Dancing.

"bsb live video archives" - I'm not a Backstreet Boys fan. I was at a concert that is featured in the for their song "The One."

"creating a guest book in movable type MT" - I've heard it's possible but I don't use MT as my guest book.

"the value of assumptions" - Don't make them! They'll bite you in the butt.

"cook's seafood and menlo park" I'm an East Coaster, not West Coaster.

"mark derosa t shirts" - Let me know if you find one!

"example of essay why i love my family" - Why I love my family is different from why you love your family. And since you are querying about this, do you REALLY love your family?

"Atlanta Opera Shawn" - No, I am not starring in an opera in Atlanta.

"abestos hazard area california" - There is one on my Rand McNally 2003 road map. It straddles Fresno and San Benito counties, just south of the town of Idria.

"sporting events on June 19 1984" - I'm a girl and I was five on that date. Care Bears were my thing back then.

"I am having trouble getting my messenger theme to work" - Not my problem any more.

"make me a layout" - Um…no.

"Cracker Barrel postcards" - I usually get my postcards from here. ( - personal joke)

Posted by Shawn at April 23, 2003 12:52 AM in The Thearch.